Winds of Change

I felt it yesterday.  You can feel it pierce through you.  That chilly fall wind that has a subtle way of telling you that change is imminent.  Oh yes, winter is on the way.  That fall wind that may have convinced you to wear a jacket out last night is only going to get cooler and soon the snow will be flying.

It’s more than that though.  There’s something inside me that says, it’s time for a change.  Something deep down inside me needs a shakeup.  I’m not talking about life altering change, it may be that I just need to buy a new hat, or jacket but I’m restless.

Maybe there’s nothing wrong at all?  maybe it’s that every fall I feel this way.  Could it be that since childhood we’ve been conditioned to recognize this time of year as a time for change?  It’s a new school year, time to buy new clothes, and re-invent yourself for another semester.  It’s possible that I’m feeling restless because I’ve been conditioned to feel this way.

Not and exciting blog today, but I’m trying to squeeze some words out of the chamber.  Bare with me.

Adolescence, all over again

You’re twenty-nine years old.  Looking around you begin to see all of your friends pairing up and moving on to the next stage in life.  For a while in your late twenties you have it made in the shade, you are able to enjoy the benefits of adulthood.  Once you start rounding thirty years old however; Things start to change and before you know it, you’re back into the throws of adolescence.

What I mean by adolescence is the period of growth that all men experience.  Whether your eighteen and striking out on your own at college, or you’re twenty-five making long term plans, or forty-something trying to re-invent yourself after a divorce, you are always growing and always experiencing adolescence.  That’s right, the pimples may be gone but you are in a constant state of flux.

Now however, for me at least, you start to feel some pressure after a summer of weddings or a the news of pending babies.  Relatives at thanksgiving always asking “When are you going to get married?”  or “Are you seeing someone? when do we get to meet her?”

Damnit, there is enough pressure in this world on young men to be successful without adding the element of feeling like a black sheep.  You start to feel like something is wrong with you.  All the friends you used to go out drinking with are now in pyjamas at home for ‘movie night’ or taking the kids to the water-park on the weekend.  Eventually, you’re the lone ranger at the monthly dinner party.  The only single guy.

The important thing here, is not to panic.  This is my point here, and I will highlight it so that you don’t fall into the classic trap.  AVOID SETTLING.

Family pressure, the black sheep mentality, and society in general will make you feel like you need to pair up, and pair up ASAP.  Don’t give in.  Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t absolutly, positively, light up your world.  Take your time, enjoy it (and enjoy the women you meet along the way), even if it takes some time.

I’m back…

Well hello.  It’s been a while.   My sincere apologies.

Where have I been?  well, as you may have been an invested follower in my ramblings you will know that I’ve been hacking away at writing a book for the last couple of years.

Somewhere in the last two months I became inspired, and words start flowing out of me.  Like rain into a paper cup; if I can be so cliche to say so.

In short, I’ve been balls deep into the book and the first draft is finished.  I’m excited to try and get this sucker published.  More on that later.

I’m back.  Keep reading my friend.

Shoe Horn

Are you in a serious relationship?  If so, you are being brainwashed.  It’s ok, don’t panic, it’s what women do.  They have certain things that they want, or don’t want, and they mind-fuck you into getting what their way.  For example, have you ever heard her say “It’s a mans job” ?

It’s the classic rebuttal to any comeback you develop to handle “When are you going to mow the lawn?” or “Gross, take out the garbage it smells”.  No matter what you say, she will return with “It’s a mans job”.  The first few times it’ll work on you.  You will walk out that front door with a load of stinky trash thinking “that’s right, I’m a fuckin’ man.  You better recognize”  but after a while, you will discover that you’ve had your mind shoe-horned into her devious plans.

Another classic, “you’re not wearing that out, are you?”  She constantly give you fashion tips and feedback on your clothes.   Unfortunately, this doesn’t go both ways.  No, don’t you dare say anything about her clothing or style before going out.  Women, in their mind, utlimately know more than men about fashion and therefore, again… in their mind, they should have the right to dress you up like a Ken doll.  The worst part of this particulare female trait is that it escalates into her picking out your clothes for you on shopping trips.  Now you’re dressed in a white, practically see through v-neck, with your nipples completely exposed.  Word to the ladies, the average guy can’t dress like Russell Brand.

Stay thirsty my friends, and avoid these pitt-falls.  Just because you are a man, it doesn’t mean that you have to do the ‘mans job’ while the missus has her feet up watching America’s next top model.  Also, remember that just because you are a man doesn’t mean that you don’t know how to dress yourself.  Stay away from those v-necks!

Megan Fox; Love and Marriage

It goes together like a horse and carriage.  The big hollywood buzz today is that Megan Fox has married her long time, on again off again boyfriend Brian Austin Green.

First of all, this is a great deal for Austin Green.  I mean, he’s seriously lucked out.  Also, kudos to Fox, who you’d think that given Hollywood stereotypes, might have shacked up with someone a little more famous.  Sure Austin Green had the hearts of every 13 year old girl when I was growing up, but just as Rick Springfield’s fame dried up so did Green’s.  That’s ok though, hell, Brian Austin Green is  a shit-tonne more famous than I ever will be.

The problem here, is that Megan Fox is commiting career suicide.  Guys go see her in movies because she is hot and single.  Not just hot, but uber hot.  She’s so hot, that you can’t look directly at her for fear of burning your retna’s.  Subconciously, men lust after her because she is single.  Now that she’s married, the attraction is less.   This coupled with her latest weak movie releases (Transformers 2, and Joanah Hex), makes for a very tough time getting starring roles.

Maybe that’s the plan, maybe she’s made some decent coin on the silver screen and has decided that it’s time to hoard that cash and live off the fat with her husband until the end of time.  Doesn’t sound too bad to me!

The Mimic Loop

Here is a quick question, with a simple answer but a long complicated background:  When do you stop chasing a woman?

Well,  really you shouldn’t be chasing a woman.. not really.  You shouldn’t be sitting at home waiting for her to txt you back or to reply to your e-mails.  If she wants to get together, she will let you know.

Often guys will meet a women who acts interested and then suddenly disappears of the radar.  Standard guy code dictates ‘forget her, she’s not interested.. move on.’.  It sounds robotic, but you really have to shelf that emotion BS sometimes and cut her off because if you hang on and keep trying to get in there, one of a few things will happen.  She’ll think you’re creepy and refer to you when talking to her friends as ‘stalker’, or you’ll get stuck in the friend zone and never have a chance at anything more.

Here’s a slightly different scenario.

You meet a woman who acts interested, then suddenly dissapears.  You do your due dillegence as a man and cut her off.  Then, she slowly starts creeping back into your life, acting interested again.  Then AGAIN, she falls off the map.  Repeat.  Its like some weird fucked up yo-yo.  So as a guy, you say ‘enough is enough’ and decide to cut her off once and for all and no longer bite at the table scraps of attention she throws your direction.

This is all fine and good.  It answers the ‘what do you do?’ question, but it doesn’t really give any insight into what she is thinking.  Honestly, is she coo-coo for coco-puffs? or is she that starved for attention that if no other men are available she’ll pretend she’s interested?  where does this behaviour come from? because it’s downright maniacal.

Here are a few of my theories.

1) She likes the idea of a continuing up and down flirtation accompanied by sexual tension, similar to the up-and-down, in/out love affairs you see on TV shows

2)It’s what I like to call a ‘proximity infatuation’.  Whenever she runs into you, and you’re at the top of her mind she is attracted to you but once a few hours goes by she’s forgotten about you

3)You are plan B.  She may have another love interest that she’s persueing but it’s tentative and she wants a ‘man in waiting’, leading you on slightly in order to keep you interested as a backup

No wrap up to this, as obviously there’s no clear answer except to avoid any of these scenarios

East Side Calamari

I’ve got a bone to pick with East Side Mario’s restaurant.  For years, I’ve been a loyal soldier for them, I’ve loved their food and sunk countless dollars on dates, casual drinks, and watching hockey games at their establishments.  Now, I feel betrayed by them.

Let’s backtrack a little bit.  In my quest to drop pounds, I’ve been tracking my food intake and exercise.  For those of you who are doing the same, check out www.livestrong.com – sign up, get an account, and it will help track everything.  It’s brilliant.

So, last night I ate at East Side Marios before catching a movie.  I’d really behaved myself for the day, and had plent of room left in my day’s alotment of calories to splurge and have a nice meal.  Even then, I decided not to get the full-course meal with bread, salad, and an entree.  I simply ordered an appetizer, the Calamari El Diavlo.  I figured that a small pan of calamari would be just fine for my intake.  After getting home,  I inputed it into the myplate section of livestrong.com and was less than pleased to discover that this dish alone is 1010 calories.  I said it out loud “are you fucking kidding me?”

I decided to investigate how many calories the ‘sausage and pepper penne’ had, which was my second choice of dishes last night.  It only clocked in at 523 calories.  I could’ve had the penne, bread, and salad… and it would’ve contained LESS calories than a simple calamari appetizer.

Ok, so I made a miscalculation, and in the end.. after the feast last night (because I also ate some of my buddies food too), I only came out 200 calories over budget.  Which means, I broke even on the day (worse things could happen).

My concern, is not for me, but for the population who eat at East Side Marios.  How many times have couples gone out, and decided to split a calamari before getting an Entree, with Salad and Bread??? there’s no way you are leaving that place without taking in at least 2000 calories.  Fucking bullshit is what that is.

Some of my best friends are DJ’s

I have some interesting friends and count myself lucky to have so many.  However, I have to be surprised that I’ve relatively stayed out of trouble given the dangerous makeup of rockstars, music industry people, and radio broadcasters that often encircle me.  There’s a constant flow of narcotics, booz, skanks, and great music in most of these circles – and really, it’s ‘rock n’ roll’ … right? I mean, that’s allegedly what it’s all about.  So, it really should be of no surprise that when I was out of town, in some grungy biker bar near the Quebec border hanging with some long-time friends, that I was nearly arrested.  Twice.

First, at the bar when the police decided to stop by for a random walk-through to make sure everybody was behaving.  They walked out on the patio and spotted a bag of marijuana under a chair near my feet.  My answer to the police was “It’s not mine, I don’t smoke, I’m asthmatic”.  Luckily they didn’t see the pack of ciggarettes rolled up in my sleeve.

Second.  2:45am, I’m pulled over by a police office who saw that the sticker on my plates was out of date (long story as to why I don’t have a new sticker).  The young lady in the passenger seat says “don’t freak out, but just so you know, I’ve got an open bottle of vodka in my purse”.  Gulp.

How did it all turn out?   just fine, as it always does.

Misadventure & Minor Hyjinx are my speciality, lets hope my luck doesn’t run out!

Meatball Update

Ok, first let me start by plugging my new radio show.  I will be hosting a 5 hour, once a week program on Kingston’s Classic Rock station FM96.  The debut show is tomorrow, Saturday, starting at 2pm.

Shameless self promotion.

Ok, so you may remember a while ago I posted about about my Meatball arch-nemesis.   A quick recap.  There is somebody beating me to punch for meatballs around the city of Kingston, particularly at various Subways I’m constantly running into the phrase ‘sorry, we just sold the last of our meatballs’.  There is a villain out there buying up all the meatballs in town before I have a chance to satisfy my craving.

Last night I gained a clue as to who this meatball nemesis is.  It’s a woman.  A meatball Villainess, if you will.

I walked into Subway around 9pm, and asked ‘do you have meatballs left?’  the nice young girl behind the counter replied ‘I just sold the last of them’.  Foiled again.  She continued ‘it was so slow all night, not a soul came in here, and then all of a sudden some woman ordered five footlong meatball subs 10 minutes ago’.   Clearly this is war.  Who orders 5 footlong meatball subs at 9pm??

The battle continues.

My latest obsession

For the few days or so, I’ve just been craving a beautiful Indian goddess.  I don’t know exactly how the thought got planted in my brain,  not just the women mind you, I’ve been dreaming of laying on satin pillows smoking from a hookah, eating grapes, and yes, women too.  It sounds over-indulgant, stereotypical,  and yes, it is… but these have been my dreams lately.

I have been watching a new TV series called ‘Royal Pains’, which stars Reshma Shetty, one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen.  However, I’ve been watching that show for several weeks and doubt it’s related to my recent obession.

There’s my confession, I’ve got Hindi fever.

On a side note, Canadian Actor Paulo Constanzo is absolutely brilliant in Royal Pains.  The best character and actor in my opinion.. great delivery.  You may remember him from the movie Road Trip with Tom Green.